Unimaginable, Yet Unmistakable

I don't even know where to begin. A year ago, the curtain fell on my life as I knew it. In its wake, I have found myself completely and permanently altered.

I have blogged about the early days when I thought I would never lead worship again, let alone sing or play guitar, that I would never be in ministry again, when I believed that I had died in a figurative sense, and wanted desperately to die in a literal sense.

The road I have had to walk in the wake of my own bad judgement and decisions, and the consequent decisions of others has been the longest and darkest journey of my life. It has been devastating, it has been painful beyond words, it has been traumatic.

And now, here I am a year later, on the cusp of something heavenly. I am seeing formless blobs of ambiguity begin to take shape. I am feeling the prickly tingles in my heart, like those of a limb waking up from being 'asleep'. For the first time in over a year, my heart has begun to beat again. It is beating with passion and life as God is waking me up and launching me into my destiny. The call of God cannot be revoked, but I believe it can be withheld until you are ready, equipped and prepared for it.

I needed to be broken.

For the first time, I am beginning to see that what God has before me could not have been done had I not walked the pain, the devestation, the trauma of the past year.

I needed to be broken.

People have told me for years that God had something big planned for me, that it was bigger than I could imagine, that it was profound and that it would impact many. I could not see it. I did not believe it. I could not receive it. But for the first time in my life, I am beginning to realize it.

I needed to be broken.

For the first time, I see my destiny, a hope and a future, just like God promised me in Jeremiah 29:11. It brings me passion. My dead heart is beating again.

I am staring square in the face of something completely unimaginable, yet unmistakable and it is glorious. I am staring at RESTORATION.

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but now I can see

This something bigger than me

Larger than life something heavenly

Something heavenly

("Whatever You're Doing", Sanctus Real)